Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.