It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.