INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?