Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
This could be us but you eatin’
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything