4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
You Might Also Like
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
WHY would you be happy about this?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie