Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.