Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
You Might Also Like
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.