Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking