2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Every time.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things