INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation