Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.