Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.