Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.