Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
lost dog
*cough*
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I would move hell over six inches for you
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’