Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Monday
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.