Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Monday
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
? 💀
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon