INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
my dad has had enough
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.