The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..