Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.