INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Yup
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?