INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.