interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You Might Also Like
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”