INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.