INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Only short people can save us
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen