INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.