Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
what kind of cook setting is this??
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.