I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.