INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Muppet Screams
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”