@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s