[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Cheer up.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
is there nothing we can trust anymore
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”