[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
You Might Also Like
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
there has never been a better use of this meme
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*