[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing