[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”