[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You Might Also Like
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket