Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
congratulations to them
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.