[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!