[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
🤣🤣
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*