[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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the short answer to this question
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.