[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad