[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
wishing you and yours all the best
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist