[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
You Might Also Like
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”