*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Follow me for more recipes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.