*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
$4 #usedbooks
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Hank is one in a melon.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.