I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
IT’S-A ME,
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.