[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*exercises sarcastically*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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