[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.