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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there