Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello