Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics