[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.