[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
bears
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!